I’ve stared at and sat on this paperwork for longer than I care to admit.
In fact, I’m honestly writing this update partially for therapeutic reasons, but also as accountability for myself.
So…
The good news? They still have it.
Even better news? We signed paperwork to make it rightfully mine if anything were to happen to Kenny. (Don’t remember this at all, but I didn’t question it.)
The bad news? I have decisions to make.
And if you know me at all, you know decisions aren’t my strong suit.
Over the last month, I’ve had a rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts, what ifs, what if nots.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
We (I) didn’t ever think we’d be here.
Me trying to decide what I wanted to do with something I don’t even know I’ll need.
Or even be able to use.
How long do I need? How long do I have?
Over the last month, there’s been some hard (but necessary) conversations with my parents, with Cam, all which have been very supportive and loving, which I’m beyond grateful for and couldn’t ask for better people in my corner.
Along with a myriad of other things going on behind closed doors that don’t have answers yet.
It’s just been…a lot.
But I always have to remind myself of one of my favorite quotes, written on a post-it I’ve kept since 2012 and wrote at work when we received the news that Kenny’s cancer had spread to his lungs:
“We have no way of knowing what lays ahead for us in the future. All we can do is use the information at hand to make the best decision possible.” (thanks to one of my favorite movies from the 2000s… Wedding Crashers)
So, with the information I have right now, all I can do is fill out the paperwork, choose the best time frame based on the conversations I’ve had and what I feel most comfortable and safe with, send it off, pay the fees, and wait knowing that I have an x number of years to see what happens between now and then.
The other things that are up in the air though, I just have to take those day by day, step by step with the new information that comes my way, as it comes.
And your friendly reminder if you’re dealing with a hard thing too - a small decision, a big life-changing decision, a risk, a task you keep putting off because you’re also paralyzed by the possible outcomes (or not outcomes) - first, take a deep breath (and a good cry if you’re anything like me), take one step at a time and all you can do is make the best decision possible with the information you have right now.
Until next time, friends…
Much love,
D
PS - thank you to those who left a comment, sent me a dm or message on the last update. Hearing from you truly is encouraging and inspiring <3
Love you!